Clean Slate

When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future. - Bernard Meltzer

The first regular season episode following Lost’s pilot is entitled Tabula Rasa, the Latin phrase for “blank slate.” The metaphor tilts more on the side of fresh start than blank slate, but it takes the entire episode before any new beginnings appear possible.

The U.S. Marshal (aka shrapnel man) under Jack’s care mumbles about a dangerous woman – one he must find and bring back. Jack assumes this is the indiscriminate ramblings of a feverish patient. Then the marshal mentions handcuffs. Jack sits up and takes notice. A pair of handcuffs has turned up (see Fox on the run). The marshal directs Jack to check his jacket pocket. Jack finds a flyer with Kate’s photo. Not just any photo – a mug shot. Dangerous. The woman who stitched him up and braved the jungle beast is a wanted woman. Jack is thunderstruck.

As the hiking party makes camp in the valley, they’re deeply uneasy the distress call is on a continuous loop, suggesting previous survivors faired poorly over time. Sayid recommends they not reveal what they heard until they understand it. If we tell them what we know, we take away their hope. And hope is a very dangerous thing to lose. Kate extrapolates the obvious: So we lie.

On the beach, Hurley asks after shrapnel man, who looks distressingly close to meeting his maker. Hurley observes he’s yellow in a tone that indicates he’s no doctor but even he knows that’s bad. Jack admits the wound is infected but the antibiotics will fight it. If they don’t, his body will shut down and his abdomen will go rigid. We sense denial here, as if Jack won’t accept this. Hurley spies the handout with Kate’s mug shot. What do you think she did? Jack refuses to speculate and urges Hurley to drop it.

Sayid is startled awake when Boone slides the clip from his pocket. Boone has lifted the gun in the guise of guard duty. Everyone is awake now, dubious of Boone’s motives. Sayid demands the gun back. Sawyer has his own opinion and zero inclination to keep it to himself. Bickering ensues until Shannon proposes they give the gun to Kate. Yes, give the criminal the weapon because, clearly, she lacks a certain fear of them and that doesn’t ring any warning bells. No matter. The solution mollifies the majority so Boone reluctantly relinquishes the gun.

When the pistol passes to Kate, she flashes back to a moment when she is awakened by a rifle cocking in her face. The man holding the rifle is Ray Mullen, an Australian sheep rancher who lost his wife, his hand, and much of his financial independence due to a huge mortgage. Sizing Kate up as harmless, he makes her a business proposition. She’s done a lot of running in her life but she’s not opposed to an honest exchange of labor for wages.

In the present, the hiking party returns to the shore. Sayid organizes a community effort to boost the transceiver signal with cell phones and other electronic devices. Kate seeks out Jack. Despite Sayid’s recommendation, Kate explains about the distress call, the length of time it’s been playing, the dire implications. Jack digests this. Anything else? He asks as if expecting a conscience-cleansing disclosure. Instead, she glances toward the tarp tent where the marshal is. He say anything? Jack pauses, shakes his head. No. Kate, the alleged criminal, chooses candor, while Jack elects otherwise. Lying is becoming a habit for the good doctor.

For the marshal to have any chance, he needs stronger antibiotics. Hurley is too squeamish to enter the plane where bodies still litter the wreckage, so Jack assumes the task. He runs into Sawyer, who is plundering for booty. In his bag: booze, cigarettes, and girly magazines. In Jack’s bag? Medicine. That sums these two men up perfectly. Sawyer concedes the point. He also believes rescue isn’t happening. And since he’s being so frank, how many pills is Jack willing to waste on a guy who’s dying? You’re just not looking at the big picture, Doc. You’re still back in civilization. And where’s Sawyer? In the wild. He ain’t just whistling Dixie, either.

Kate swings by to chat with Jack and collides with Hurley. Hurley sputters that Jack is in the fuselage. He nearly has a coronary when he spots the gun stuffed in Kate’s waistband. Hurley can’t dash off fast enough. Kate crawls in under the tarp and studies the unconscious marshal. She flashes back to Mullen’s ranch. She’s about to sneak off in what we’re beginning to appreciate is a pattern of quick getaways. She collects her wages, which are hidden in the kitchen cupboard. Ray catches her before she disappears. He knew she would leave eventually, but he’d hoped it wouldn’t be in the middle of the night. Kate apologizes. She has trust issues. He asks her to stay one more night – he’ll drive her to the train station in the morning because everyone deserves a fresh start.

Kate returns to the present to find the marshal’s eyes open. Before she can react, he grabs her throat and squeezes as if his life depends on it. Maybe it does. He’s so crazed he forces her onto her back. Jack finds them locked in combat and pries the marshal off. He examines his patient then glares at Kate. What did you do? Gasping for breath, she explains she was just checking on him. Is he okay? Jack’s jaw tightens. He’s not responding to any antibiotics, he’s bleeding internally, his fever’s pushing a hundred and four. And his abdomen’s rigid. Only an alien bursting from his chest could be worse.

Will he suffer? Jack does not want to have this conversation. Yes, the marshal will suffer. No, it won’t be quick. Days, likely. She beseeches: Can’t you put him out of his misery? Hippocratic oath straining, Jack blasts her. I saw your mug shot, Kate. I am not a murderer. He stalks off. Tried, convicted, and deserted, Kate stands alone in the rain and flashes back to Ray Mullen - who, as it turns out, betrays her to the marshal. So much for a fresh start. The bounty on her head was too much for a physically disabled rancher with a mortgage to pass up. A hard decision, but Kate wins the short of the end stick. Again.

Throughout the day, the groans of the marshal echo across the beach. Sayid approaches Jack to offer assistance. The prolonged suffering is upsetting everyone, in case Jack hadn’t noticed. Rumor has it he’s fighting a losing battle, anyway. Another moan punctuates Sayid’s meaning. Jack must face reality, one he’s not eager to confront.

Sawyer offers Kate a light to start a campfire not far from the yowling marshal. He strikes up a conversation about the gun she took from him. Sure wouldn’t want to be the one with that gun right now. ‘Cause everyone sitting out there listening to that poor boy scream all night knows what’s got to be done. Kate does not respond. Sawyer knows she’s thinking the same thing. He overheard her tell Jack as much. The silence that settles between them shivers with a doomed man’s agony.

Inside the tent, the marshal implores Jack: No matter what she does, no matter what she makes you feel, just don’t trust a word she says. She will do anything to get away. What has she done? Rather than answer, he makes a demand: I want to talk to her. Alone.

Kate walks toward the tent, gun snug in her waistband. She flashes back to the moment the marshal overtakes her and Ray. Desperate, Kate wrenches the steering wheel and forces the truck off the road. It somersaults several times before careening to a halt. Ray is knocked unconscious. A fire ignites under the hood, prompting Kate to scramble out, dragging Ray to safety. Her act of humanity costs her. The marshal materializes beside her and sticks a gun to her head.

Now inside the tent, the marshal asks Kate what favor had she been about to request before the crash. Kate reflects a moment: I wanted you to make sure that Ray Mullen got his twenty-three grand. The marshal snorts then lapses into a coughing fit. The guy who ratted you out? Why? He had a hell of a mortgage. The marshal can’t believe it. She would have gotten away if she hadn’t stopped to save Ray. She did get away, she reminds him. You don’t look free to me. Even near death this guy can’t lighten up. I’m gonna die, right? She nods. He drops his bomb: You gonna do it, or what?

Yikes. Nobody deserves to suffer like this, but he so strains a person’s benevolence it’s tough to contemplate his request.

Hurley hustles up to Jack, who stands near the shoreline staring out to sea. Hurley asks where Kate is. In the tent. Hurley’s jaw drops. You let her in there alone? She’s got the gun. Jack wheels around and makes tracks toward the tent; stops short when Kate emerges on the other side, slouching away. He calls her name, nearly smiling in relief.

The unexpected gunshot jolts him. Kate doesn’t flinch. She regards Jack with a sad inevitability then turns away. Sawyer stomps from the tent, gun in hand. His expression is a hardened mask, but it sags when he spots Jack. Guilt flushes his features. Jack is outraged. What did you do? Sawyer’s bravado slams down in place. What you couldn’t. He understands Jack’s a doctor, but the marshal asked me to do it. Something had to be done. Despite Sawyer’s sanctimonious anger, there’s a thread of naked wretchedness to it, like he’s trying to convince himself.

Coughing erupts inside the tent. Oh, no. Sawyer and Jack exchange horrified glances. Jack surges into the tent and falls to his knees. Sawyer follows. The marshal is still alive. Jack presses a handful of tissues against the new wound. You shot him in the chest? Sawyer was aiming for his heart. You missed. His lung is perforated. He’ll drown in his own blood. It will take hours. I only had one bullet, Sawyer says helplessly. The misery on his face is terrible. Get out, Jack shouts, equally miserable.

Sawyer stumbles from the tent. His hand trembles as he shakes a cigarette from a pack. The marshal’s convulsive gasps taunt him. Tension stretches so taut Sawyer can’t light his cigarette. He chucks it in frustration. Then . . . quiet descends. Sawyer stills. No gasping. No moaning. Silence. Jack hobbles from the tent, breathless and bitter. Neither man can look at the other as Jack plows by.

The next morning, Jack sits quietly on the edge of the water watching aquamarine waves tiptoe ashore. After the night he had, the natural beauty cuts through the soul. The haunting theme of the show, heavy with string instruments, weeps in the background. Kate wanders up and takes a seat next to Jack. His expression is difficult to read. She wants to explain what she did, why the marshal was after her. Jack shakes his head. It doesn’t matter who they were before the crash. Three days ago, we all died. We should all be able to start over. She okay with that? Kate is very okay with that.

Jack offers Kate the one thing that has eluded her much of her life – a new start. His form of forgiveness. Given the hellish night, it’s a mighty gesture, showcasing Jack’s greatest strength – his compassion. Initially, that strength is a flaw. He can’t bring himself to euthanize a man like some ancient, incontinent dog. It goes against everything Jack is. He has to be forced, under pressure, to make a character-altering decision. To see mercy in a new light. Medical ethics eclipse human decency at first, but in the end, he does what must be done.

Kate understands this. The label of criminal may hang over her head, but she can’t pull the trigger. Not with this man. She could never be sure her motives were pure. To do the right thing, she places the gun in the hands of a man with no purpose outside pity. The conflict balloons as a result of this choice - the black moment, in literary terms - which is as it should be. The worst case scenario is the ideal vehicle by which a character learns the lesson. And evolves.

There were other neat moments at the end of this episode involving sub-plots and cast members we've yet to detail – among them, the enigmatic John Locke – but those will be addressed as we tackle each character. John is next, but I’m taking a short break from Lost to analyze another Halloween episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I covered the first one several months ago – see The GMC & D of Trick of Treat – but with Halloween a week away, I feel it’s only appropriate to return to this supernatural comedy drama for a walk on the lighter side.