The Star-Spangled Bananas

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself – Franklin Delano Roosevelt

I interrupt this regularly scheduled writing lesson to give you the following public service announcement: What the hell?? I don’t normally get political, but when people accuse perky, harmless Rachel Ray of seditious acts of style, I worry about the future of our country.

The blogging community went bananas last week when a Dunkin’ Donuts ad featured Rachel Ray wrapped in an innocuous black and white scarf. Critics, led by political commentator Michelle Malkin, charged Rachel Ray with “endorsing terrorism” and “hate couture” because some rocket scientist somehow managed to draw a parallel between her stylish rayon-blend swatch and a kaffiyeh, the traditional headdress of Arab men.

Say what? Please tell me they’re joking. This mockery passes for news reporting and issues of national security? They further complained about the possible meaning of the scarf. Meaning? You mean, outside of its function as apparel? Well, it’s possible that - I don’t know - her neck was cold? It’s not like she bound it around her head over a face-covering black hood while toting an AK-47. It was a simple scarf draped around All-American, non-violent Rachel Ray clutching a coffee cup, for heaven’s sake.

Were these people raised by wolverines? How can anyone possibly go from paisley scarf to the latest in guerilla fashion wear? Do they seriously believe her stylist used malice and forethought to select an accessory that venerates jihadists everywhere? Not to mention how insulting it must be to the millions of peace-loving Muslim men who wear kaffiyehs for no other reason than it’s traditional and it keeps them cool in a climate that is brutishly hot and arid.

The ad was successfully yanked. How can an ingenuous, inane thing as a donut spot whip people into a terrorist-fearing frenzy? Is this what passes for patriotism these days? What a hard, sad fact.

Rachel Ray may be guilty of a few things – among them, the overuse of such words as “yum-o”, “evoo”, and “de-lish” - but that’s hardly grounds for commercial castration. I’m appalled and saddened such power is wielded by dangerous, hate-spreading people. What’s next? Banning Dalmatians from Petco ads because their coloring promotes the symbolism of Yasser Arafat? Come on.

I guess I’m not terribly surprised. Turn on any info-tainment news channel – Fox News and CNN just to name a few – and they are loaded with reason to fear walking out your front door every morning. Have we nothing better to do than speculate whether Barack Obama was giving the finger – to whom, no one could sufficiently answer – during a speech when he was just scratching his cheek? Really? Is it any wonder the airwaves are bogged down with commercials hawking anti-depressants to get us through the day and sleeping pills to help us through the night? Who can live with themselves when they are glued to drivel like this?

It’s dehumanizing. And sad. And ridiculous. I recommend anyone with an ounce of compassion and sense go out and support your local Dunkin’ Donuts by buying at least a dozen donuts in protest. It’s the American way. Not to mention the sugary goodness will lift your spirits. Donuts are, after all, “yum-o” and “de-lish.”